I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

How do we know, when we make them, that they're the right ones? Of course, the answer is we don't, but that's not how I feel when I'm trying to make one. Whenever I weigh up my options I immediately see them in black or white and it's never that simple.

I think it comes from being burnt a few times (there haven't been many times where it was serious; I always tell people I have no regrets) but even if I had chosen the smoother path, there's no guarantee things would have turned out better. Pre-empting is something I am very guilty of, and unfortunately good at, for most things not just decision-making, and when I am conscious of it I actively try to relax and just 'go with the flow'. I feel much less anxious that way, but then again is trying to relax defeating the object?

Something always pops into my head when I'm thinking over what to do and that is the Rubicon.

When I was studying my MA it was explained to us that in order to become a 'creative' - that is a self-employed, artist type - you need to let go of your instincts to stick with what you know and embrace the idea of a bit of hardship as it can lead to what you want. It's obvious when you think about it, I mean if I wanted to be an artist I couldn't continue working in an office could I? I'd need time to paint, to build up contacts in the art world and to do all that I couldn't work full time. That means I couldn't continue living where I live as how would I pay the rent? Then there's food. And also the lifestyle to which I'm accustomed - going out with friends, eating at restaurants, not having to pore over bills to see if there's any appliance I can get rid of to save a bit of cash etc. Before long I'd say,'You know what? This idea of mine, about being an artist? It's too difficult. I'd end up on the street if I did that with no money etc. so I'd better stick with my crappy job, that I hate and just get on with my life.'

That sort of thought happens more than you'd think. There's always a worst case scenario that stops you taking the plunge, about lots of things, not just a job.

This train of thought is referred to as the Rubicon - it was a stream that marked the boundary of Ancient Rome, and any army that crossed it was seen as declaring war against the state. So, when Julius Caesar, who at that stage was still a General, crossed the Rubicon (in 49BC no less), he automatically declared war on the Senate, and thereafter there could only be one of two outcomes - either he would win, or he would lose. So, 'to cross the Rubicon' means to take an irrevocable step, either towards your dream job or something else, it doesn't matter, what matters is that ideas are turned into action - hand in your resignation letter, say 'I want a divorce' etc. It's the most difficult stage in the mental cycle of actively doing something, because the 'magnet' in all of us calling us back to the norm is at its strongest.

So there's the Rubicon, and I think it's worth remembering that Julius won after crossing it (and you know, went on to become one of the most famous Roman emperors of all time etc.), because it's proof that it really can work.

Can you tell I'm in the throes of making a decision right now? I admit that on the one hand it's a big one, but it's an exciting one, and that's the thing I always try to focus on. I guess it might be that I'm a bit out of practice right now, having rested on my laurels for quite a while, and perhaps I'm also influenced by other people's worries so my own are being a bit amplified. I feel like I'm about to cross my own Rubicon. In a way I know I am - especially when I look back at the analogy above. Denial is not just a river in Egypt!

Sigh.

I feel like I'm at an age where it's do or die and I really can see so many possibilities that would or could come out of my big decision. I never take such things lightly but I'm not scared as I always tend, at least I have in the past, to make good decisions that are proven right in the end. After so much deliberation it's hard for them not to be, but it's still hard to get to that place where you 're ready to trust your own judgement and take a leap of faith. Like Indiana Jones in the Last Crusade where he leaps into what seems like a void and there's actually an invisible bridge? That's my kind of symbolism.

Anyway, all this rumination means I digress from my point/issue. Is that all part of the deliberation process? Who knows? Maybe.

Just as I think I'm sure, something comes along to throw me of course. At least that's how it seems. I try to stay focused on the decision I've made /almost made and fit the things that are thrown at me around it, like a horoscope that whatever it says it fits your own personal situation.

I guess only time will tell if I cross my own Rubicon in the end. Not long to go now until I'll be forced to make a decision either way (eek) but the big one seems like the inevitable choice with every day that passes. Is it cheating to wait until it really is inevitable before making the decision? I think so, but I could be wrong and maybe it's the fact that a decision is made at all that's the important thing. I feel like I'm over thinking this now...

Why do we doubt ourselves so much? Or more accurately, why do I doubt myself so much?